Halloween is nearly upon us, and whilst the rest of the world is busy carving pumpkins, buying sweets and pretending to be frightened of plastic spiders, I’ve been thinking about something far more terrifying.

Cheese.

Because, if you stop and think about it, some of the things we willingly eat are actually rather horrifying. We eat mould. We encourage bacteria to grow on our food. We deliberately encourage milk to go off (in a very controlled and delicious way, obviously). And then we pay good money for the privilege.

So, in honour of Halloween, I thought we’d take a little tour of the darker side of cheese.

The Living Dead

Let’s start with Mimolette.

This bright orange French cheese looks innocent enough until you discover that its distinctive, cratered rind is traditionally the work of thousands of microscopic cheese mites.

Yes. Mites.

Tiny creatures that live on the surface of the cheese, feeding away and helping to create its characteristic appearance.

Suddenly that plastic spider doesn’t seem quite so frightening.

The Cheese of Nightmares

If mites aren’t enough to put you off your lunch, allow me to introduce Casu Marzu.

A traditional Sardinian sheep’s milk cheese containing live insect larvae. And when I say live, I mean wriggling.

The larvae break down the cheese’s fats, producing an exceptionally soft texture. Traditionally, some people eat the cheese with the larvae still inside. There are food safety concerns, and its sale is restricted, so don’t expect to find it on our counter any time soon.

Or ever, actually.

The Attack of the Killer Mould

Now for something a little closer to home.

Roquefort, Stilton and Gorgonzola all owe their beautiful blue veins to Penicillium roqueforti, a mould deliberately introduced or encouraged during cheesemaking.

Think about that for a moment.

If you found blue mould growing on a forgotten sandwich at the back of the fridge, you’d probably throw it away. But put the right mould into cheese, give it the right conditions and enough time, and suddenly you’ve got something wonderful.

It’s all about knowing which moulds you want at your dinner party.

The Caves of Doom

Picture the scene.

You’re deep underground. It’s dark. It’s damp. The walls are covered in mould and there’s a rather peculiar smell hanging in the air. Most sensible people would turn around and leave.

A cheesemaker, on the other hand, would probably think they’d found somewhere rather lovely to mature a few hundred cheeses.

For centuries, caves have provided the perfect environment for ageing cheese. Their naturally cool temperatures and high humidity allow cheeses to develop slowly, whilst the resident moulds and microorganisms can help create some extraordinary flavours.

The famous Roquefort caves in southern France are a particularly good example. Deep within the limestone cliffs of Combalou, natural fissures called fleurines allow air to circulate, helping to maintain the conditions needed for the cheese to mature.

And here’s the wonderful thing. The mould growing in those caves isn’t considered a problem. It’s part of what makes Roquefort, well, Roquefort.

So next time you discover a damp patch on your kitchen wall, perhaps don’t immediately despair.

Although I wouldn’t recommend trying to mature a Stilton next to it.

Something Smells Like Death

And then there are washed-rind cheeses.

Époisses, Munster and their gloriously pungent relatives can produce aromas that range from sweaty socks to something that might reasonably prompt you to check whether a small animal has died behind the fridge.

Much of that aroma comes from bacteria growing on the rind as the cheese matures. The extraordinary thing is that beneath those alarming exteriors you’ll often find beautifully rich, creamy, surprisingly delicate cheese.

A useful reminder that appearances (and smells) can be deceiving.

The Real Horror Story?

After all that, you might think the most frightening thing in the cheese world is a maggot-infested Pecorino or a particularly aggressive Époisses.

But no.

For me, the real horror is opening the fridge and discovering there’s no cheese left.

Now THAT is terrifying.

Happy Halloween!

P.S. If you’d like to experience some of these horrors for yourself, we stock Mimolette, Roquefort, Époisses and Munster. All perfectly delicious, despite their rather questionable credentials. The maggot cheese, however, is definitely not available. Even we have our limits.